kristine

You can find me here and here now. Follow me! =]

I'm in college now and things are different, moreso than ever before. Sometimes I'm a little in awe of everything around me, how I've come to be here when my goals were always dreams I fell asleep to at night. But now here I am, living a life I'd always only written about.

I wish I could tell you something different for a change, something other than ambiguous trivialities concerning the content of my days. I wish I could tell you that I've met someone with burnt brown eyes and caramel skin who breathes in the scent of my hair at night. I wish I could tell you that someone and I walk to class together with his hand clutching mine, as if any separation between our fingers would make the walk longer and the distance farther. I wish I could tell you that we spend our afternoons atop the many hills of Berkeley, soaking up the dying sunlight as we talk about where we've been and where we're going and how the future is a story we're going to write using the details of each other. But I can't, because I still haven't met someone.

I get the feeling that these words will transform themselves as soon as someone enters my life, and I'm anxious to see the difference. People say that love brings out the best and worst in a person, and I've already seen my worst; I'm anxious to see my best.

But anyways, enough about someone and I. Berkeley is filled with interesting people with back stories that could be made into movies, and I find myself ceaselessly engaged with everyone I meet. Or, at least, most of the people I meet. I'm glad that I moved out and I'm glad that I've distanced myself from people who used to keep me down, because from here all I expect to go is up.

http://www.joinred.com/

'Sup, livejournal. Long time no see. I just thought I'd let you know that as of 8 o'clock earlier today, or somewhere around that time frame, it's become official. Next year, I'll be going to UC Berkeley. I know, right, who saw that coming? It's still far and it's still a good school, so, I mean, whatever. I'm still excited, and I still plan to go to NYU for grad school, but you know, it just doesn't feel right to go just yet. I think it might shock me too hard. Hell. Going to Berkeley is shocking me hard enough.

To be honest, Berkeley was never somewhere I even considered going, mostly because I never thought I'd get in. I mean. It still kind of baffles me. I only applied because I thought it'd be neat if I got in, but it wasn't really a possibility. And. Well. Here we are. Unexpected, right? Right.

Anywhow, that's all I wanted to say. Prom's less than 2 days away, graduation and grad night's a little more than 20, and after that? Man. Darkness. And possibly some drowning. But I'm excited. Slightly apprehensive, but excited. I hope you're all doing just as well. I don't really feel like writing a more interesting entry though. Sorry. You can drop by my myspace blog for the good stuff, I guess.

Alright. See ya, world.

PS. Yo, Mish [forgottendreamz]. The new layout is amazing. And so are you. =] And yo Kat [rivendiety]. Homie, where you at? Hah. I rhymed. Doesn't one of you go to school or live near Berkeley? Because if so, I think some major chillage is in order next year. I miss talking to you guys all the time. Damn damn busy life. But Kat, do you have a myspace? I have Mish, but not you. Sad face, man.

Why don't I strike you? Why don't I increase your heart rate so that you can feel blood rushing to your head? Why don't I steal your breath away for you to try and catch back again? Why don't I impair your peripheral vision so that your focus remains perpetually on me?

Sometimes you look right past me, but one day, I won't be here for you to look past. One day I won't be here for you to neglect to notice. It's that moment I fear the most, because I know that at that moment, neither of us will be around for either to look at.

Sometimes I'll look at you and wonder if ever there are other times you're looking back at me.

The sleep won't set in, so I've decided to pacify my thoughts by draining them from my mind. Yeah. I'm just going to write. I don't know about what. I have no plans for this entry. But since it's going to be private, the resulting outcome should be interesting.

I'm running out of time, livejournal. If you must know, I really am. The days are running out and they're slipping past me and they're sliding by me, and I can't catch one before the next one comes along. Graduation is around the corner. College is around the next. And my plans? These plans I've structured and planned and aspired to adhere to for my future? They're unraveling. Everything I've set my sights on to achieve I've achieved, and now I don't know where to go from here. Now that I've satisfied the thrill factor of getting good grades and getting into college, I've lost my drive. Or. Well. A substantial part of my drive. And I don't know what I'm supposed to or expected to do with myself from here on out.

Everyone wants me to go away. They want to get rid of me. Put me on a flight to New York City, and settle for seeing me only twice a year. Because they think it's what I want. And it's cute and sweet and all to know that people are trying to support me in what they think I want to do, but I'm not sure this is what I want anymore. I'm not sure I'm ready for that final destination. I'm not sure if I'm ready to be thrusted full-force into independence. I mean, I don't even have my license yet. What does that tell you about me? And people want me to be happy, and they want to be happy for me, and it's not making the decision process any easier. Right now my options are NYU or California, and that's about it. And it's crazy to think that this dream of mine from the past year has actually become a tangible possibility, but I'm beginning to question whether it really is just a dream or just an extended fantasy.

The difference between a hope a wish a dream and a fantasy is that we don't expect to achieve our fantasies. We expect for the next best thing, and our fantasies merely serve to entertain our imaginative faculties. I don't know if I'm ok with living my fantasy, assuming that NYU is really just a fantasy and not my life's aspiration. Whatever. I have another month and a half, at the very least. I don't really want to think about this. Think about walking away from everything I've known and everyone I hope to know more. I've finally started to settle into high school, and now I'm leaving it. Ironic, right? I'm not sure if I'm ok with another huge transition and another new life-altering change.

But enough with the redundance.

Let's back together. Let's get back forever. Hey lover. Let's you and I make a memory of a moment. Make a mountain out of a molehill. Let's exaggerate these dopamine feelings of elation, and let's just go with it. Seriously. Let's just be in it. You and I. Yeah, let's get in it. Let's do it let's do it let's live it. Let's live in yesterday and today and tomorrow and the week after next and the year after that. What have we got to lose? Certainly not each other.

Because hey lover. Let's be infinite. Let's be really infinite. Let's write screenplays featuring the stars of you and I, written about how we radiate off each other on the stage of our world. The stage is finally set, and let's just perform until the lights go out and the applause dies down to silence. Can we please please please even just live in the silence of unspoken sentiments and understood emotions? Because I could settle with that, yeah, I think.

Hey lover. Let's be in it. Let's be in life. Let's be in love. Let's let's let's. Let. Us. What endless possibilities.

And on that final note, I really need to start writing things in my journal, and not on my arm. Goodnight.

And it's ok if you walk away without saying goodbye, because to be honest I've stored away the memory of you in trashbags in my closet. I'm not throwing you completely away from my life because I want to remember these moments and I want to remember these days and I want to remember what it took to get through it all. And it's ok if you delete my face from your mind's memory bank, because to be honest you've become less than a footnote in the story of my life. It's ok if this is the end, because to be honest it's always been the end.

And when one door closes, another one opens, and I'm stepping through the threshold into this next phase that life has to offer. People change and time flies and the world evolves, and I realize now that you were never a constant. I realize now that who we were is never who are. I realize now that moving in opposite directions is part of life and part of growing, and this isn't a roadblock, this is merely a new beginning.

And it's ok if I walk away without saying goodbye, because the goodbyes aren't understood, they're unnecessary. And I've stopped living in the past and I've stopped living in the future and I've begun living in this particular moment in this particular period of time, and in the present tense, I'm fine. No regrets, no expectations, just me. Just me and today. Just me and the world. And if I met the maker of time and he offered to run time backwards just for me and just for a second, I wouldn't take anything back. I wouldn't take back any words or actions, because I know now that everything happens for a reason and for the best and what happened was for a reason and for the best and I'm happening for a reason and for the best.

And in the beginning (because this isn't the end) I'll be ok because you're ok and I'm ok without you.

It kind of feels life being shot through the heart with an arrow. Actually.

But really, at this point, being sad feels kind of redundant. So what the fuck ever, you know?

mood: drained

music: Maximo Park - Apply Some Pressure

Hah. Your comments are funny, guys. I guess I really haven't updated in a while. Oh well, not like anything particularly interesting has taken place in my life anyway.

Except. Well. Ok, I gues there are a few things. Like guess who gets to apply to colleges in a couple of months? Hurrah for senior year, bitches. It's about time. I can finally get my license next month, though that probably won't happen since I haven't really been practicing driving due to the fact that no one wants to help teach me. And all because of a minor incident involving a parking accident and a shopping cart. Come on, people. I swear I'm not that bad. I mean, I won't kill you. I hope.

Oh, and I guess I should mention that I have a boyfriend or something. He's just this guy, you know, who I've known for...I guess 13 years now. We went to school together and we were best friends and shizzle, and now we're all relatively happy and together now like in some cheesy chick flick cheesy girls like to watch. Yeah, it's pretty interesting. You know.

But other than. Life's been monotonous. Of course with the occasionally spurt of really unnecesarry drama, but for the most part, just chill. I'm chilling, guys. That's all it is. =]

But hey people. Give me some random facts about you from the past year. I kind of know, since I still read your livejournals (I just don't take the time to comment. I use those precious seconds to procrastinate important things such deadlines and homework), but it's just more fun this way. Humor me. =]

mood: indescribable

music: Ben Lee - Catch My Disease

Most amazing birthday in the world. Thanks for the birthday wishes, Kat and Mish! You guys are genius cool. We need to meet someday. F'serious. I miss you guys like crazy mad. It's insane. And I'm sorry I haven't really been making an effort to stay in touch and stuff. It's because I suck, but really, I'm never going to forget you guys. Impossible.

But no seriously, we need to meet up some day, a'right guys? Hopefully when I get over my fear of driving, we can meet somewhere.

I just wanted to say hey, I'm not dead. And I really appreciate the genius of you two. =]

BFFL, RIGHT?!

If you're reading this, you should go to Victoria Gardens at 2, and we'll hang. But that's all.

mood: fuck you

music: Lifehouse - Everything

MICHELLE
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE CARD!!!!! IT IS AWESOME AND DLFHADFLUHADLUFAHILOVEITSOMUCH! Dude, man. You totally rool more than...THE WORLD. Yeah, that's right. THE WORLD.

KAT
THANK YOU FOR THE POST!!!!! Gawd, you are so mother freaking cool. I am so glad we ever met, because you are like one of the best person I have ever mother freaking met. Actually, both you AND Michelle. You guys are way too cool for me. Way. I don't deserve cool people like you kids being nice to me.

I meant to say this to you kiddies sooner, but lately I've been in this kind of funk that I couldn't really bring myself to interact with anyone.

Ok, this journal is defunct. So is the other one I was planning on using, mainly because my procrastinating ass didn't feel like starting it up. So there. I suck so much for continually lying to you kids, [OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN], but whatever. I'll still read your entries and all because you kids rool and stuff, but I just won't be posting myself. This journal pretty much has no meaning to me anymore, so why bother trying to give it meaning. Oh well, I tried. Ok not really, but you know.

I do, however, update my xanga all the damn time. I have no idea why, but I do. So, you can catch me there if you so desire. But you can't comment, so if you want to reach me, your best bet would be to e-mail me.

But that's all there is. There isn't anymore.

mood: regretful because I suck

music: Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out

So yeah, I haven't been around, and I haven't been commenting because I haven't read any of my friends' entries. Sorry. Somewhere during this summer I decided that I want to be anti-social and stop talking to people, friends particularly. Yeah, that was an excuse.

But anyways, I think I'm back. Not that it really matters, but this entry is specifically dedicated to my close school friends who I have practically completely abandoned since school got out a month ago. Sorry guys, I lied. I guess I didn't really mean it when I said we should go out and do something.

But now I do mean it. See, I've been on this retreat thing for church, right? And, well, I'm tired of being so self-absorbed and unconcerned for you people who seem to give the most damn about me, and I'm going to do something about it. Ok so I want to do something. I want to have a big party with lots of friends and lots of fun where I can apologize profusely for being such a frigid bitch and ignoring you all.

Interested? Then call me. Most of you should know my number, and if you don't, then call someone else. Commenting disabled because I don't want to hear over this faceless internet that I'm being stupid. No, I'd rather hear that from the tones of your voices.

Anyways, in completely unrelated news, I think I may have a boyfriend which weirds me out and excites me all at the same time, but I'm not quite sure. In fact, I don't really want to be sure. I like not knowing. Also, when I grow up I'm going to marry Spider-Man and have lots of Spider-Boy babies with him.

I hope to hear from you all because I've heard from next to none of you since summer started. Yeah, that was my fault, but I'm trying to make amends here.

PS: To a Ms. Kristine Dizon who is currently in the Philippines right now -- I am totally making your new layout as we speak.

mood: hyuh

music: Enigma - Return to Innocence

And this child does not look like me.


Even though I know that child is me. I'm probably about 2 in that picture. Heh, I was a pudgy-faced little kid, and I was comparatively lighter. I look nothing like how I did when I was wittle, nor do I resemble the rest of my family. Or so my sister likes to point out to me often.

It really makes me wonder if they all really were kidding about that whole me being adopted thing?

mood: between numb and complacency

music: Rooney - Popstars

So I was doing this survey, right? Even though it's 1 AM, but whatever. I find that I'm quite the night owl. Anyways, one of the questions made me ponder, just as my subject could attest to.

If someone were to ask you what your type was, what would you say? I used to answer this with the typical "funny, sarcastic, cute, easy to talk to, understanding, generous, polite" and etc. etc. But reflecting on my past crushes on those who have formed past crushes on me, I realize that that's not what I like at all.

It's more of something one thinks one likes because it seems like the right or appropriate thing to like. Wow, talk about overkill on the word 'like'. It's something you see on TV and decide you would like to keep wrapped around your arm everyday. But a lot of the time we aren't like those fictitious characters imagined by a creative writer's mind. It took me a while to realize that. I'd like to think that I'm the wholesome, generous lovefool of a girl, or that super sarcastic, badass bitch that hates the world, but really now, I'm not. Although, the latter is kind of close...

But anyways, would you ever say that your dream boat of a guy is a 5"8 dumbass who likes to masturbate to slutty porn films? No. You wouldn't. But that just might be the guy who catches your heart and has you groveling at his feet for a moment of attention. So that was a bit of an exaggeration, but you get what I'm saying.

Is there a right way to answer that question? For me, no. You see, I have this notion that though I have absolutely no idea of what qualities in a boy strike my fancy, I believe that once a boy comes strolling around with those qualities that make my heart all aflutter, I'll know it. And he may or may not be the walking description of what my "type" is.

I stopped writing those "what makes a perfect guy" entries when I realized that I had absolutely no romantic interest in those boys that almost embodied those "perfect guy" entries.

But you know what? I don't even know where I'm going with all this anymore. I'm just going to stop and watch Heathers now. Because that is the best movie ever. And I'm going to give up this whole pondering thing late at night. Ok, bye.

mood: busy

Is it possible to think positively and realistically at the same time? Or is that just an oxymoron?

*No need to reply. This is more of a rhetorical question